DouceLifeAt50.com

Do I want a simple or complicated life? Do I want to make things easy or hard for myself? Do I want to live my life or please other people?  Does it matter if by being true to who I am I will lose some connections along the way? Do I want to be controlled or control anyone? Those are questions I started asking myself as things came up or decisions needed to be made.  

After spending two weeks in Italy with our cousins we were all going to part ways in Milan, my youngest daughter and I were going to head by train to Switzerland to visit my family where we would be picked up by my youngest brother.  My oldest daughter would join us a few days later after a side trip to Amsterdam, she would be flying into Geneva. The thought of how she would be getting to Geneva to our small village in the alps with minimum cost and inconvenience to herself must have weighed heavily on her mind.  That is probably why on our last day together during a leisurely lunch in Varenna, she facing me, me enjoying the view offered by Lake Como, she pounced on my unprepared self with a question. “Mom, how am I supposed to get from Geneva to Mémé’s house?” That is what the girls call my mom. Startled out of my relaxed state, I answered: “On your broom?” She didn’t find that one funny but her best friend and I did.  I could see where she was coming from and where she was headed but I was not quit prepared to get back to the reality of being mom in charge, I was still enjoying the few hours of our vacation. My mom doesn’t drive, she sold my dad’s car a few months after he passed away as it would have sat unused in the garage for months. Granted we were still going to be on vacation but I had not worked out the details of what we were going to do with my mom and my siblings, the girls wait for me to tell them what I’m thinking then they veto my idea or tell me to go ahead and have fun without them. After spending two weeks walking and riding trams and trains I was not ready to think driving.  Maybe it’s laziness but when I am on vacation I like to be driven around rather than being the chauffeur. But she was right we would need a car to get around more easily, it would give us more independence and choices of outings.

That night in my hotel room I started planning the when, how, and where of a rental car.

Since I’d be driving on narrow winding roads, up and down the mountains, choosing the size of the car was a no brainer, small it would be.  But oh lovely surprise they now offered an automatic car in the main town not too far from my mother’s house. I learned to drive with a stick shift but I’ve been driving automatic cars for a lot longer, I prefer it.  Did I want to spend more money on an automatic became the question, so I decided to mull it over since I had a couple of days before I’d need a car and decide once in my childhood home. My mom loved the idea of the rental car, since my dad passed away she has to rely on public transportation, family and friends when they are available, so the idea of being able to go do things on the spur of the moment appealed to her.  She sat next to me on the sofa and watched me look at the little cars, my mind was struggling between cost and ease/fun. Ease/fun won out, driving a stick shift equates to a workout for me, both mental and physical, if you don’t think so it’s probably because you’ve never driven on narrow roads with no line in the middle with a precipice or river on your right often with no guardrails, down shifting as you slow down or up shifting as you speed up while turning the wheel and saying oh my god is there enough room for both our side mirrors.  My mom, my youngest and I picked up the Renault Captur which only had 2,000 kilometers on the odometer, it smelled new, was bigger than the small stick shift in the same category, it sat 5 instead of 4, with all wheel drive, a small SUV in fact. I was very happy with my choice as we started down the road towards the shops. When we got to the turn off as I was going to go right my mom told me to go straight. When I asked why I should do that, I was told that it was the quicker way to go and the way dad would have gone. So of course I obeyed. As I already mentioned my mom doesn’t drive but she’s had over 50 years of riding shotgun along side my dad, I had no reason to go against her expertise.  As I started going down the 60 km/hr (40 miles/hr) road looking a little nervously at the river on my right, no line in the middle, I commented out loud that I was glad I had bought the insurance, not enjoying the site of another car coming towards me. My mom responded with a lot of confidence that I was a good driver, that there was enough room for a car and a truck to meet in the middle. I was praying that trucks were not allowed on this road. If there was enough room for meeting a truck, why where we all hugging our sides of the road as we passed each other? I was relieved when we reached the main road and the store with my side mirror intact. After that mom agreed not to tell me about any other shortcuts. When I relayed my adventure to my brothers and sister via Whatsapp I got a lot of silly emojis back and some funny comments about mom’s driving record, glad I could make them laugh.  Next day arrived, I of course had a 1 ½ hour drive to the airport which I was not particularly looking forward to, but the weather was beautiful and since my youngest had no desire to sit in the car for that long my mom volunteered to come along to keep me company. The traffic was light so the dreaded construction slow downs were minimal, it was nice to have someone to chat with instead of just listening to the radio. We grabbed the tired traveler and headed back. She liked the car but above all she was glad not to have to move her suitcase for the next two weeks. On the way back we got to enjoy the great vistas of the Swiss Riviera, Montreux and its environs as the freeway was built up high. It’s always a treat to see Chateau de Chillon gleaming on the lake.

I drive on roads that challenged my comfort zone because I am not use to those anymore, but by keeping my cool I did just fine, after all it was an automatic, I didn’t have any extra thoughts in my head other then “relax, just drive and enjoy”.  On one of those roads, with the precipice like view on our right, while I was busy turning and being grateful that the traffic was very light, my passenger who gets carsick on windy roads asked me:  “If we crashed and I died in one of those ravines, how would my best friend/roommate find out about it, she would wonder why I didn’t come home when I was supposed to.”  We had been on a beautiful mountain hike and where on our way down, I was still feeling exhilarated from the day so keeping with the mood I chose to answer her truthfully.  “One of my siblings would call and let your father know, hopefully he would then call and let her know you are dead. But I am not planning on rolling the car into the precipice and dying today or any other day so I wouldn’t worry about it.”  After that we chose to ooh and ahh at the view around us.  It can be tiring to drive on all those winding roads when you are used to mostly wide strait roads, but there was no other way to get where we wanted to go as it was a very hot summer we chose altitude over the status quo, so up and down the mountains we went a few times.  I returned the car without a scratch on it, I had a great time driving it.  I was sorry to see it go as it meant the end of my time with my family.

All three of us are home.  I miss the rhythm of driving the winding roads, the two lane freeways, it is nice to only have people pass you on the left but most of all I miss driving around with my mom and doing the things we only do and eat with my family.  My youngest will be leaving for Paris soon to go to a vocational school that will last for three years, her father and I are going with her for a week to help her settle in her little studio, I am looking forward to it, it’s nice to have a visual of where your children are.  She will be a fast train ride away from her grandma, aunts, uncles and cousins.  Her leaving is bringing her closer to my family and me to thinking back to my journey over 30 years ago when my parents accompanied me to the airport, we said goodbye not knowing how often we would see each other.  Things are so different now a days, she has already told me she will be coming home for Christmas, it will be weird not to have her for Thanksgiving but so many other families go through the same thing during that short break, her sister was always able to come back from college for it.  She is sorry to miss the spookiness that Halloween brings.  How do I feel?  I can only be happy for her as I remember how I felt when I followed my dream to come to america to learn English.  I will miss her off course but with today’s technology she will be more than just a voice 9 hours ahead of me, I will be able to see her whenever we connect with Facetime or Skype.  She has never lived in a metropolitan city but neither had I.  She is comfortable with the idea albeit a little nervous at leaving everything she is used to behind so I can only be her cheerleader for the choice she has made.   I remember my mom getting really annoyed with people questioning her judgment to let me go, her simple answer was that she did not own me, yes she had given birth to me but that did not give her the right to dictate what I should do, only I knew what felt right for my own life.  Am I worried for her safety?  Not more then I would be if she was driving the freeway every day or if she was partying here in the US.  Young people in Europe don’t seem to go through the binge drinking that happens here.  The culture is different, I love hearing “Just like in the movies” when I talk to my nephews and nieces about things that teenagers do around here, i.e. Prom, or crazy large parties while parents are out of town.  I feel good about her decision because that is what she wants to do, I am proud of her for following her dream.  The language? I had the basic English skills and learned to speak it quickly, she has a good base in French thanks to the high school grammar lessons the vacations spent in Switzerland and my speaking it until they started school and English became the main language.  She started watching French shows with French subtitles last year.  For her first year her classes will be in English with several hours a week of French immersion classes, but she is already hoping to take all her classes in French next year.  Her studio is part of the Cité Universitaire Internationale which houses students from all over the world, which is exciting as she will get to experience that part of campus life.

Things are changing including me, I am looking forward to spending time with myself, to hearing all about her life in Paris, to see how this affect our little trio, at how my oldest feels at being an only child again.  I have two very independent daughters who bring a lot of joy in my life.  I am working on not worrying about the things that affect them as only they are in control of their lives, I do not want to mess up their sense of purpose or self assurance by telling them all the things that could happen which are only in my head, why would I plant seeds of doubt in their beautiful minds?  It is getting easier to do as I’ve gotten more sure of myself and by practicing to let go of things I cannot control, I hope that my joy and positive outlook on life are contagious.  It seems that by choosing what is easier and what feels better for me is moving me forward to where I want to go and closer to unconditional love for my daughters.  I wish you all a ride full of joy, new discoveries and fun!