Cocoon building

“Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is insanity”. I have heard that quote expressed by different people quite often in the last few years. It is an interesting quote that I have kept in the back of my head. Lately it has resonated with me but I have changed the wording as I have been feeling like a metal handle on a rusted bucket. Poor handle, it takes a lot of effort to lift itself up as the hinges are corroded, one or both might break as it lifts the empty bucket, it might get separated from what gives it a purpose. Holes are starting to form where the bottom and the wall were welded together a long time ago. The uncertainty of what the future may or may not bring has been tearing at what I thought was good, sturdy and safe fabric around me. In the hope of getting out of my worry party I I changed the quote to: “rehashing the same thoughts over and over again and expecting things to change is not the right recipe to improve things or myself or to feel better.”

It is not easy to maintain growth and self assurance in the face of COVID-19 and its consequences no matter how much I have improved my habits, my ideas, even myself. Old habits or patterns love to poke their heads back up when I least want them to. As I sat at my desk I was experiencing a strong sense of discomfort, an even and strong pressure from inside myself, my feelings were banging loudly inside my body to be let out. I worried that if I opened myself up, a giant wave of feelings would drown me but I also believed that if I kept them bottled up they would snuff joy out for a long time. I was having a hard time enjoying the beauty that nature was presenting to me. I did not like the grey layer that was deeming my surroundings. I wanted to shine my handle and bucket until I felt more like myself.

It was time to push myself away from the discomfort so that I could figure things out, wallowing in the muck of worries was only adding layers of drabiness to my life. As I looked through the window, the sunlight showcased the dust and rain spots on the windows, I had put off washing the windows long enough, I needed some fresh air and exercise anyway. I always feel better when I can cross things off my todo list. I’d had two different excuses for not performing this yearly task, the first reason was that a couple of insects had built cocoons, one on the window, it was protected by one of the rhododendron bushes and the other on the door jamb of the French door by the hummingbird feeder, the second reason had been to wait for good weather. I had wondered what insects were going to emerge from those two cocoons. But I had waited in vain for months for them to hatch, the cocoons had become sarcophaguses. As I scraped them off the house, I of course saw this as a sign and a lesson. I wondered how it felt for a moth to emerge from it’s tight woven silk, I felt like a moth trying to emerge from a tightly woven cocoon. But had I built a cocoon so thick that I would not be able to emerge from it, how would it all turn out? The cocoon image seemed the perfect characterisation of my current feelings. Cocoons are a good metaphor to represent the many phases or facets of my life. I wondered how many dreams, ideas, experiences I had nurtured over the years versus how many I had let wither and die inside of me because of misguided feelings or fear. Those long dried cocoons were part of my past, not the present. I was relieved to find that I was able to let go and not wallow in the past, it no longer served me to do so. I had made great progress, even though I felt like I had taken a lot of steps back in the last few weeks, I was still able to move push forward when I started to tell myself “you got this, you are okay”. I felt a surge of annoyance towards allowing myself to sink into the pity pond, but that too would only keep me from shedding the walls of the cocoon. I would have to grab the handle and allow it to break away from the old rusty bucket that was destined for the metal recycling pile. I knew I could move on from where I was. It was time to snap out of it so that I once again could feel and appreciate the present moment.

As I washed the windows I could feel my feelings rise up, I let them go as I scraped the two dried up cocoons from the house. I allowed the morning to lift my spirit. I had previously listened to a Podcast that reminded me that maybe I was simply meant to think WOW, feel thankful for what I witnessed around me, the bees, the deer, the birds, and nothing more.

Sometimes it’s easier to build and retreat into a cocoon but that doesn’t bring me much joy as it keeps things out too. The new habits I have formed hang on to me and allow me to see that the old and familiar are keeping me from my creativity. It is time to leave this cocoon behind and fly. I have learned to let go of some of the weight that kept me from flying higher, I am becoming better at navigating my own life. I have also learned that I need to trust myself more, I can maneuver better around the storms that appear around me. I have to adjust my vision so that I can see the bigger picture. Only I can devise a better course towards my goals.